Vai Trò Quan Trọng Khó Thay Thế Của Người Cha Để Con Thành Đạt Ở Đời
Một thống kê cho thấy con cái cha đơn thân thường thành đạt hơn rất nhiều so với con cái mẹ đơn thân, kể cả ở gia đình giàu có cho con học trường tư đắt tiền. Con cái mẹ đơn thân có tỷ lệ tự tử cao hơn 5 lần, hút ma túy hơn 10 lần, đi tù hơn 20 lần so với con cái trong gia đình đủ cha mẹ. Còn con cái cha đơn thân thành đạt gần như nhà bình thường, chỉ có cái hay đa tình hơn. Sau đây là 3 lý do cho ta thấy vai trò và nhiệm vụ rất quan trọng và khó thay thế của người cha với sự thành đạt của con cái trong đời: (từ bài “Con cái của cha đơn thân thành đạt hơn hẳn con cái của mẹ đơn thân. Đây là lý do tại sao thực sự” – link) :
Bảng Nội Dung
1. Người cha hay làm gương và dạy con về trách nhiệm trong cuộc sống, trong khi người mẹ hay yêu thương vô điều kiện
Điều này nghĩa là con cái của mẹ đơn thân thường ít được rèn luyện dạy dỗ về trách nhiệm ở đời. Chúng dễ kỳ vọng sẽ được người đời chăm sóc vô điều kiện như với mẹ mình, mà không biết mình phải có trách nhiệm đóng góp tương ứng. Tất nhiên là đời chẳng ai yêu chiều chúng vô điều kiện như mẹ, nên chúng khó thích nghi và dễ có những hành động tiêu cực.
Người cha thường qua đời sống và hành động dạy cho con về trách nhiệm xã hội. Do đó con cái họ lớn lên có trách nhiệm hơn, và khi kết hôn cũng tìm kiếm ý thức trách ở người phối ngẫu, nhờ đó gia đình thành đạt hơn.
Thực tế thì tôi thấy cha hay kỷ luật sửa trị con hơn, và rèn luyện cho con có thể ra khỏi mái ấm gia đình mà sống tốt giữa đời. Điều này khiến con cái hay thấy cha xa cách và đáng sợ, không gần gũi ấm áp như mẹ. Nhưng đây chính là điều rèn luyện giúp chúng ra đời được chấp nhận và thành đạt hơn.
2. Người cha thường tâm lý vững chắc hơn người mẹ, giúp tâm lý gia đình ổn định hơn.
Người nam thường có tâm lý vững chắc hơn, còn phụ nữ dễ có vấn đề tâm lý, tâm thần hơn. Mẹ đơn thân còn một mình gánh vác gia đình nên họ phải chịu áp lực tâm lý hơn hẳn. Việc này có nghĩa là con cái mẹ đơn thân dễ lớn lên trong gia đình tâm lý bất ổn khiến chúng cũng trở nên bất ổn như vậy. Cha đơn thân tâm lý vững hơn nên con cái được sống trong gia đình ổn định hơn, giúp tâm lý chúng phát triển lành mạnh hơn.
3. Vai trò dạy lẽ sống, trách nhiệm xã hội, và bẻ trách sửa trị của người cha khó thay thế hơn vai trò chăm sóc yêu thương của người mẹ.
Trong gia đình cha đơn thân, vai trò yêu thương chăm sóc của người mẹ có thể được bù đắp bằng bà nội, cô bác, hàng xóm hay cô giáo ở trường. Còn vai trò làm gương, dạy trách nhiệm xã hội, và nhất là bẻ trách sửa trị của người cha là rất khó thay thế. Đây là việc mất thời gian và rất mất lòng nên chẳng ai buồn đi sửa trách con người khác. Thật sự, Kinh Thánh nói Đức Chúa Trời chu cấp cho tất cả (Ma-thi-ơ 5:45) nhưng Chúa chỉ bẻ trách sửa trị ai mà Ngài yêu thương nhận làm con chứ không sửa trị người ngoài (Hê-bơ-rơ 12:5-11). Thầy cô ở trường, cả ở trường tư đắt tiền, cũng không thể theo sát rèn luyện và bẻ trách sửa trị đứa trẻ như người cha. Vậy nên người mẹ đơn thân rất khó tìm người thay thế vai trò của người cha.
4. Vì xã hội rất thiên vị quyền nuôi con của người mẹ, nên chỉ những người cha có trách nhiệm nhất, tốt nhất mới làm cha đơn thân.
Điều này khiến thống kê so sánh sự thành đạt của con cái gia đình cha đơn thân với gia đình mẹ đơn thân rất thiên vị người cha, vì nó so sánh những người cha đơn thân tốt nhất, trách nhiệm nhất với những người mẹ đơn thân trung bình. Nhưng nó cũng cho thấy có một người cha tốt quan trọng đến thế nào.
Tổng Kết
Những lý do trên cho ta thấy vai trò rất quan trọng và khó thay thế của người cha trong gia đình. Người mẹ luôn được yêu quí, gần gũi, và tôn vinh hơn vì người mẹ cho con mình sự chăm sóc và tình yêu thương vô điều kiện. Tuy nhiên, điều này không chuẩn bị cho con cái vào đời được thành công, vì sẽ chẳng ai chăm sóc yêu thương chúng vô điều kiện như mẹ. Để thành đạt ở đời, con cái phải học sống có trách nhiệm, có đóng góp, có đạo lý. Vậy cần có ai đó dạy chúng lẽ sống trách nhiệm, làm gương, và rèn dũa bẻ trách sửa trị để chúng nên người. Đây là vai trò của người cha, một việc mà chẳng ai muốn làm vì nó gây sợ, gây xa cách, vừa mất sức lại dễ mất lòng. Ông bà, cô bác hàng xóm, cô giáo có thể bù đắp tình yêu thương chăm sóc của người mẹ, nhưng vai trò bẻ trách sửa trị của người cha là rất khó thay thế.
Những lý do này đến từ một bài diễn giải lý do tại sao thống kê cho thấy con cái ở gia đình cha đơn thân thành đạt hơn hẳn ở gia đình mẹ đơn thân. Vậy nên nó mang tính chất hình mẫu (stereotype) và diễn giải chứ không phải quy luật. Có những mẹ hổ dạy con lẽ sống tốt và sửa trị con rất mạnh mẽ, cũng như có những người cha cưng chiều bỏ mặc con cái. Điều cần rút ra ở đây là yêu thương chăm sóc không đủ, phải dạy lẽ sống, trách nhiệm xã hội, và bẻ trách sửa trị con cái để chúng nên người sống có trách nhiệm, có đạo đức, có đóng góp. Vậy chúng mới được xã hội chấp nhận và trở nên thành đạt. Vai trò yêu thương chăm sóc thì ông bà, hàng xóm, thầy cô… có thể giúp, còn vai trò dạy lẽ sống và rèn dũa sửa trị thì chỉ cha mẹ có thể làm, mà thường là người cha.
Bài tham khảo
- Sách trình bày nghiên cứu thông kê về những khác biệt ở con cái gia đình cha đơn thân và mẹ đơn thân
https://www.amazon.com/Father-Child-Reunion-Bring-Children/dp/0615223931 - Single Father Households Do Vastly Better Than Single Mother — Here’s the Real Reason Why
https://medium.com/the-knowledge-of-freedom/single-father-households-do-vastly-better-than-single-mother-heres-the-real-reason-why-8a7fd7c5611d - Study: Children fare better with divorced dads Factors besides income were of benefit to fathers
https://www.oklahoman.com/story/news/2001/07/09/study-children-fare-better-with-divorced-dads-factors-besides-income-were-of-benefit-to-fathers/62139586007/ - Single dads
https://www.nujournal.com/opinion/columns/2023/06/13/single-dads/
Single Father Households Do Vastly Better Than Single Mother — Here’s the Real Reason Why
(cho ai không vào được link medium) The consensus is mothers typically make better parents than fathers, yet single fathers do better than single mothers, here is why – Elicia Jane
It’s extraordinarily well-documented how much of a disadvantage children from single-mother households have over children whose parents remain together, but less well-documented is how much of a disadvantage they have over single-father households.
For example, studies have found that children that from single-mother households are 5 times more likely to commit suicide than children from both unbroken households and single-father households, 9 times more likely to drop out of high school, 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances, 14 times more likely to commit rape, 20 times more likely to end up in prison and 32 times more likely to run away from home.
The list does not stop there, single-mother households also account for 70% of all teen pregnancies, 70% of all child murders, and they account for the majority of filicide cases, which means yes, a child living in a single-mother household is the most likely to be murdered by their parent.
Most at this point will probably think that the stepfather is the main killer and reason; however, studies have found this to be false and that stepparents are no more likely to kill children than their biological counterparts.
This means inevitably, that single mothers are on average the biggest killers of children, some studies even show that mothers are the biggest killers of children overall. Though, it should be noted that others show it to be fathers, while others show that men and women are equally as likely to kill their children.
Regardless of the dynamics of this complex point, all of this seems crazy considering the consensus is mothers make better parents on average than fathers, yet the data seemingly says otherwise.
In fact, the only disadvantage to living with just your father rather than both of your parents appears to be that you are more likely to be promiscuous in adulthood, which isn’t even a problem.
I mean it’s crazy, and as a mother, it makes no sense to me, mainly because it all seems to imply that men don’t need women to raise children well, but women need men.
The question is, what gives, have we all got it wrong and fathers are actually the better parents?
Many argue economics must be the difference — they are wrong
It’s popular to say that because single mothers are more likely to be in poverty, it must be economic differences that explain the data; however, studies have found that economics does not explain it, it’s the same story even if the single mother is not in poverty.
It seems poverty largely explains the typical cognitive attainment deficit for children from single mothers, but it doesn’t explain the differences in emotional outcomes, nor all the other issues.
I was actually surprised by this and so went to my kids’ school — they are at a rather expensive private school — and I asked the teachers, and they told me that more often than not the children that caused the most problems and have the most problems tend to come from single mother households.
I asked specifically if they ever noticed the same problem from single father households. They highlighted how single-father households were much rarer, but that they did not notice the same problems.
My partner works at a university and he tells me the same story, when it comes to the students, the ones he normally has the most trouble with, and the ones most likely to drop out and skip lectures, come from, you guessed it, single-mother households.
However, even though single-father households are rarer, he has not ever noticed the same problem from such households.
Further issues with the economic link can be found by looking specifically at the UK. The UK has been lauded for its success in reducing single-mother poverty, and yet that reduction has not coincided with an improvement in outcomes for the children. Nor has greater acceptance of single-mother households.
Also, improving education amongst single mothers doesn’t seem to be changing things in terms of outcomes, with single mothers much more likely to have good educations now than they used to, but men more likely to be doing worse.
For example, 20 percent of single fathers don’t have high school diplomas versus only 15 percent of single mothers, and single mothers are now more likely to be university educated, and by a decent amount.
But if it’s not economics, acceptance or education, what is it, are men on average just better at single parenthood?
The devil is in the detail, and to understand what is going on we must look at the details i.e. we must break down the data
It would be easy to conclude resoundingly that fathers are just on average better at single parenthood, it would even be easy to argue that men are perhaps the more important parent.
I’ve heard arguments to this tune before, with the idea being that because this is more a “man’s” world i.e. full of direct conflict and ruthless competition, men are better at preparing children to handle such environments which makes them more important as parents — at least on average.
However, it is just not as simple as that.
This is because despite economics seemingly not being the factor, the data comparing single-father households to single-mother is heavily distorted by several other factors, factors which explain why the data shows what it does, and which shows that it’s not because men make better single parents or are the more important influence.
What’s really going on
Firstly, it is much easier on average for a single father to fill his children’s lives with strong and positive female influences than it is for a single mother to fill her children’s with strong and positive male influences.
Whether it be the father’s mother getting stuck in, whether it be the father’s sister stepping in, whether it be a teacher — of which there are many options mainly because female teachers greatly outnumber male teachers — whether it be all of the latter and more, the options available to men are just more prevalent, willing and accessible.
This matters because there is simply no escaping it, children benefit greatly from having an equal number of positive male and female influences in their lives. Yet women struggle more to create this world for their children after a breakup than men — many struggle to create this world even when they are still with their men.
This puts single mothers at a disadvantage compared to single fathers, and this disadvantage is further exacerbated due to the romantic front.
Here is why, not only do single mothers struggle to find positive male influences in the wider world, they struggle to find them in the romantic world as well.
This is because women are far happier to take on a man with children than men are to take on a woman with children.
I would even go as far as saying that women often find men with children more attractive than their childless counterparts (I know I always have), whereas men typically find women with children less attractive i.e. they don’t want to take on the responsibility of those children.
Not just that, biology also likely plays a part, mothers through their actions tend to teach their sons to aspire for unconditional love from a partner, but it is hard to get that if that partner already has a child. Fathers on the other hand tend to through their actions teach their daughters to aspire for a partner who takes on responsibility, a man with a child tends to prove he is such a man.
Yup, biology screws single mothers in love but gives single fathers a boost.
To make matters worse, the single-mother romantic disadvantage doesn’t stop there. I spoke to a friend of mine who works in child psychology, and he told me that in his experience children tend to find it much easier to countenance a father entering a romantic relationship than a mother simply because we tend to want our mothers all to ourselves.
Yup, children’s need for nurture from their mother, and want of unconditional love and of being the centre of their mother’s attention, can give mothers a real problem when looking for a new partner.
Fathers though have less of a problem on this front — at least in comparison. This is likely why Pew Research found that 41 percent of single fathers in the US are cohabiting with a partner versus only 16 percent of single mothers.
Yep, 41 percent of single fathers are not technically entirely single fathers versus only 16 percent of single mothers.
All of this shows that on average it is simply much harder for a mother to find a worthy and willing replacement father figure for her children than it is for a father to find a worthy and willing replacement mother figure. This really matters when it comes to raising children because children do much better if they have both a mother and father figure in their life — positive ones at that.
So, because single fathers on average find it easier to bring positive female influences into the lives of their children on every level, inevitably their children gain on average an advantage over the children of single mothers, who struggle to replace the loss of the father.
And the advantages that single fathers have over single mothers don’t stop there, there are more.
Women are more prone to mental health problems than men — this matters
It’s well documented that women are far more likely on average to succumb to stress and mental health problems than men are, with women being nearly twice as likely to suffer depression and other stress-related mental health problems than men.
Inevitably, this means a single mother is more likely to suffer from mental health problems than a single father.
If a parent suffers mental health problems, it typically causes trouble for the children. Because women are more prone to mental health problems, you guessed it, single-mother households inevitably succumb to these problems more than single-father households.
This inevitably again gives single-father households an advantage over single-mother i.e. they are more likely to be healthy places.
So, just to round up, single fathers on average find it easier to find positive female influences than single mothers do positive male, and single fathers are on average less likely to succumb to mental health problems, and these factors give single fathers a substantial advantage over single mothers.
At least in these areas.
But not in other areas, which is the point. Sometimes the mother will be the better option in a split, sometimes the father will be.
The problem is, when the father is the better option, he rarely gets custody, and the terrible life outcomes data from single-motherhood statistics is in all probability capturing the repercussions of this inequality.
The best parent does not always get custody — especially if he is male
When it comes to who would be the better custodian in the case of a breakup, on average the mother will more often be the smarter option, she just will, sorry guys, but by nowhere near as wide a margin as people think.
That means there should be a lot more, and I mean a lot more single-father households.
But there isn’t, and this is because, for right or wrong, the mother typically is favoured by judges to be the primary carer in a split.
This is one of the leading reasons why so many fathers end up going missing, the judge has given the mother primary care, and this leads the father to eventually just slowly disappear for one reason or another.
Many argue that the fathers are at fault, but considering that the vast majority of fathers report wanting to be more involved with their children’s lives, the true story is inevitably more complex and more due to the fact that unless joint custody is given, and properly enforced by the courts, it is simply more difficult for the secondary carer to remain an active part of a child’s life — even on a financial level.
This matters because the mother by default is not always the best option, not even close. For example, many women are terrible mothers, they just are, but the courts will favour them over the father in most cases anyway, even if the father clearly would have been the better option, and was willing.
A work colleague of my partner is in this situation, he is an amazing father, but his ex-wife is an awful mother, yet she got primary custody and he struggles to even be allowed to see his children — despite the fact he should be the primary custodian.
Even if the mother is a good parent, sometimes the father is still for an array of reasons the better option, perhaps the mother is prone to mental health problems but the father is not, who knows, what we do know is that when the father is the better option, in most cases he struggles to even get joint custody — let alone the primary he should get.
Because of this, inevitably the data comparing single-mother households to single-father households is massively distorted.
To put it more bluntly, due to the system we have created, when a single father becomes a single father, it is normally either because the mother has abandoned him and their children, is completely unfit to be the mother and so the court has awarded full custody to the father, or it is because the mother has passed away.
So, a single mother who is a poor parent or even who is just not the best option, in the vast majority of cases still gets primary custody, or at worst joint which in many cases is tantamount to primary, whereas the same is not true for single fathers, in most cases a single father becomes a single father because he is the absolute best option — and only then.
This is what the single mother versus single father data is showing, not that single fathers are better than single mothers, but that single fathers only ever get custody if they are absolutely beyond any question of doubt, the best and only option, single mothers on the other hand frequently get custody even when they are by far and away resoundingly the worst option.
That means what this data actually shows is not who makes the better single parent, but the price of inequality i.e. because the courts practice inequality against fathers by always favouring the mother, children pay the price.
Final words
The reason the data shows that children raised in single-mother households are so disadvantaged on average is that women get custody even when they are resoundingly not the best option, until we change that we will continue to have a single-mother problem.
To put it more bluntly, when the father is the best option, we need the courts to identify this and award custody accordingly, and until we start doing that, endless children are going to pay a price they should not be paying.